Verbal diarrhoea

Warning: Long ranty post ahead. You have been warned.

 

Its 6.31pm as I write this. I am seated on the bed, and outside, the sky is a gloomy grey. It rained cats and dogs a few hours ago. I actually like days like these. The cool air is such a joy, and the rain always seems to make the trees and grass greener.

 

Papa is outside having nasi beryani for dinner. Funny story actually, mum called from the office to ask what we’d like to eat, and papa said he wanted a sandwich, and as for me, anything would suffice. So mum bought a turkey ham sandwich from Subway for papa and nasi beryani for me and Serena. I knew that papa wouldnt enjoy his sandwich. His idea of a sandwich would be the old school roti keping and prolly egg or tuna as filling. But of course, its Subway. So it was Italian bread with turkey ham inside. Papa had a hard time eating it, the filling kept dropping out and he put it down in true papa style and said “I hate this” >___< And he looked at my nasi beryani and said, “I should have opted for a nasi beryani instead of this”. So of course, I immediately offered him my plate of lamb beryani. And he finished it all Mum and I are quite happy coz its REALLY hard to get him to eat these days.

 

I made him a breakfast of pan fried German bratwurst (got it at Tesco, molto car0), sauteed chopped onions with shiitake mushroom and tomato. He ate 2/3 of the meal, and Boo ate the rest of the sausage >___< He refused to have rice or porridge for lunch, and so I made him a mug of Enercal with oats. He drank the milk, but the oats remained at the bottom of the mug. I had to spoon feed him the oats coz he just didnt want to have any of it.

 

People ask me all the time, how is papa faring. Usually I say, “the same” or “so-so” or on better days “much better”. But now, truth be told, I’d tell you that he is waning. The pain that he is now enduring is of the lower back. The Hospice nurse who came by two days ago told me that the cancer may have spread to the spinal cord, and that there is a risk of paralysis   If some months back, we were quite careful with papa’s medication, we now are more liberal when it comes to the painkillers. I give him liquid morphine when he starts complaining of pain. And mama too isn’t all anal about him getting “addicted” to the morphine. Personally, I feel that I would like dad to feel as little pain as possible, even if it means him being groggy all the time. He has difficulty walking and standing, and each time he goes to the bathroom, I have to stand behind him, alert, coz he has the tendency to fall backwards, and sometimes, his knees just buckle.

 

These days, whenever I eat, I always feel a pang of guilt or paranoia creeping up inside. What if it’s carcinogenic? Sugar feeds cancer cells. Vegetables and fruit have pesticide on them. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.

 

Talcum powder causes cancer? Plastic bottles are carcinogenic? What chemicals are in my shampoo? Is my facial wash really safe?

 

Can you blame me for being paranoid?

 

I daresay I’m more health conscious these days. I try to cut down on the sweet stuff, and I make it a point to exercise. Then I think of my uncle. My mum’s brother who passed away in an accident in Singapore. He was the healthiest person I have ever known. He bought my mum health food like wheatgerm (I was young back then, and seriously thought he was trying to poison my mum with Germs) and oats and the like. He would exercise (jog on the spot) ALL.THE.TIME. While watching TV, while out in the garden, and even in the bathroom! Yea ok I’ll tell you how I know. That’s coz sis and I used to wonder what on EARTH took him such a long time in the bathroom, and we peeked under the door once ( can only see the feet la ) and saw him jog on the spot in the bathroom! He was a health freak. And the way he died, it was so so tragic. Makes you wonder. Eat to live? Or live to eat? Enjoy your life to the fullest and eat anything you want OR not?

 

I feel tremendously guilty for feeling the way I do. I love my dad, and I have no problems caring for him. The thing is, for how long do I put my life on hold? I have been here for 2 months now. Soon, I will have to pay EUR100 to change my flight departure date. Its supposed to be 29th April. But till when? Who will care for dad if I leave? Its mighty expensive to hire a caretaker or nurse, that’s for sure. If I go home soon, and the worst happens, it will be too expensive for me to fly back home again Contrary to popular belief, the hubs and I aren’t rich. So we earn in Euro, but H E L L O !!! We also SPEND in Euro! And on a one income household (I don’t consider my meager wage as an “income”), we aren’t exactly rolling in moolah. And when it comes to flight tickets, they’re EXPENSIVE for one person. Times two? You do the math.

 

Sigh. I daresay this is the biggest dilemma I have ever faced. Does it make me selfish if I say I miss my home in Italy, and that I miss the hubs, and that I miss my job? Right now, I just don’t want to think too much. But sometimes, the afternoon lull makes me think and think and think. And I HATE how I feel afterward. Which is precisely how I am feeling now, hence this long ranty post.

 

Maybe I just need to get out of the house for a bit. Being cooped up in the house 24/7 can NOT be good for me.