Tears from your daughter

So.

 

It has been exactly 2 weeks since papa passed away. I am now back in Italy. Words cannot begin to describe how I have been feeling these past 2 weeks. Papa suffered a lot. While people tell me that it is better that he pass instead of suffering, I say this: How do you know? It may be painful for us to watch a person suffering, but how do you know what the sick person wants? Does he or she want to die because he or she is suffering? Logically, we, the healthy ones think that the faster the suffering ends, the better. But is it THAT way for the sick person? Perhaps he or she still wants to live. Perhaps he or she wants to put up a fight, see their child grow up. Perhaps he or she just simply, wants to live. While I appreciate sympathies and kind words, when people tell me, “at least he is not suffering anymore”, in my mind, I think, “how would you know?”

 

I guess while I knew the inevitable was coming, part of me, deep inside was hoping that a miracle would happen. That he would somehow get better, and that the cancer would just go away. But it didnt. And friends, let me tell you that nothing, NOTHING prepares you for death. Yes I know he was sick. Yes I know death was near. But the feeling when it happens, is indescribable. Reality hits you like it never has. That person is no more. You will never see that person again. You will never hear  his voice, you will never hear his laughter, you will never hear his grumbles, you will never feel his comforting touch again.

 

I never thought that I would be this affected. Just this morning at around 3, I woke up sobbing my eyes out. I had such a vivid dream, and it was the day of the funeral. And papa was not in the casket, but he was sitting on the couch next to me coz he didnt want to go

 

All I can do for papa now, is to pray for his soul. I hope that he is peaceful up in heaven and that he knows and sees how much I love him, and how much I miss him.